Both sides

I feel like I'm crippled right now, about to burst at the seems. Sometimes people around me seem to see things I don't, sometimes I see things they don't... Than there are other times when I say things... I say things that I should have just kept quiet... Just kept my mouth shut for those brief moments...



I just have to hope I didn't hurt someone I care about recently but I figure if I did I will find out soon enough, For now.... Waiting, anyway if you want specifics hit me up and I'll most likely be here.

On a lighter note, I have been making money and still am not 100% on what to spend it on... So here I go thinking and over-thinking again and again. Sorry that I haven't posted recently, been busy working and writing and really just experiencing myself. I've had time to kill though, living on the outskirts of everywhere will tend to do that haha.

If you guys want to know the good or the bad let me know and im pretty sure ive already said that... anyway peace!

Todays Snippit

Its been a week but its been feeling like days, I don't look forward to what happens at the end of week two but hopefully I will get to hang out with my fiancee before than... even if its only for a short time, i would love to spend more time with her before she has to go back west but I know her friends haven't been able to hang out with her while she was on the other end of the country, not sure how to ask her when she wants to hang out again what with her being busy today and my easy ride into the area being on Tuesday... stupid holiday.

My friends have been going through some hard shit lately but that don't change anything... I know... I have horrible grammar... But anyway, I really just wanted to get some of this out there and odds are there will be several more, or not... I am not really sure how this will go to be completely honest, Ive been weird lately.

Update!

Here gos, I'll give you the not so great news first, I am moving back east again. I know its not going to be the easiest thing I am going to do but I have to at this point. I know the reasons and I hold no grudges against anyone because of it, as far as I've been told I will be able to get a job easy, and start working on my future with my fiancee several months later. Technically its all working up to her but still. Anyway, point being I'm going to be in Massachusetts again at some point after the 21st of this month, and I am now okay with that. It's going to hurt to see my fiancee get into a car to head to that plane after I get back but I know I'll be okay. My friends there are being really supportive and my parents are being more helpful then they were in the past. If all gos well, I will get a job, earn money for a car, find a place to rent with a few of my friends, than figure out the rest of it from there.


Anyway, I've started doing some pretty heavy writing lately, all part of a short story/novel thingy... Not sure what to call it yet, anyway I started getting ideas for it a while ago and started actual writing this week some time. I love it, but have no idea what anyone else will think of it. If you want to check it out the link to the blog on this ongoing work is here: http://sephiden-writing.blogspot.com/ start with chapter one if you don't want spoilers.

Again as always, thank you to the few of you who read what I write, it feels good to get this out somewhere honestly.

How I feel

Still job searching, I am acting calm only because I don't know how else to act. If I freak out it won't solve anything and if I don't act quickly I'll be out on my ass, figuratively that is. So, the long and short of it is, on the inside I am breaking down, I am slowly slipping and don't know where to turn. I don't want to worry anyone and honestly am starting to think that maybe going in to a place that's hiring and begging on my hands and knees might not be such a bad idea. I look at my work history and its in the toilet, my one real paying job that lasted for any amount of time was working for my mother, on top of this the economy is thrashing any job I might have a chance at getting due to my lack of experience. I miss having something to call my own, something besides my emotions. All I have now is my writing, which isn't going well, video games, which aren't helping anything, and the people around me, who I am too scared to tell how I'm feeling.

I wish there was a service that called you for a job, I've heard of things like it but have not seen anything similar to it yet. My options at this point is to walk around town until I get hired, which I am in the process of doing, hope that someone near me has a way to help, or lay down and give up... I refuse to give up yet, even if I sound it out there, I can't give up... I don't know what will happen if I do... I am petrified, IM SCARED! I just don't know how to get a job but that hasn't stopped me from printing out applications or applying online, which I find half pointless because more than 80% of the time they tell you NOT to call. That makes sense right? Don't call us well call you, why did this even get started? I was told during all of my job searching that I need to bug them, I need to get them to notice me. If you lack experience and your not allowed to call what are your options at that point? Wait and hope?

None of this makes sense to me anymore, at least when I was looking for a job before I had someone nearby to vouch for me, to say that I could work there. Maybe that was just because it was a small town, maybe that's because the manager was my mom, and maybe its because I had no experience job searching at all. Who knows, all I know is I need to get my shit together and get gone to a job. Because if I don't I failed, and if I don't what am I good for...

Once again I am sorry for this long, drawn out, missed punctuation rant. I just had to get this out somewhere, and honestly I don't care who sees. I just can't hold all of this in anymore, I just can't. I haven't even been sleeping well, even when I do get to bed at a decent hour. I always wake up exhausted and than on top of that I've started to have nightmares about leaving. I-I'm sorry everyone, I just need a little support... I don't have a clue what life is like outside of my parents house and if I go back it's just going to get worse.

A few new things

So, lately things have not been going the greatest, however their is good news on the horizon. It turns out that a place fairly close to where I live is hiring and I may have a job opportunity there. With that on my mind, I've been able to think about writing again and I am thinking about starting up a new blog for my notes. I will most likely not post any chapters of any stories I happen to come up with until I am sure I want to pursue the story line that I have posted.

On a separate note, I can't believe I might have a job, and all because I felt like today was a good day to go to the store. They wrote my name down and told me that they would see if the deli was needing any help.

This was a short post but I'm trying to critique my writing style and find my own way to describe the worlds I see in my head.

I have to...

I used to feel weak and helpless all the time, and the worst part is I used to use it as a strength... But that was a long time ago, I've learned so much more than I thought I knew than. I learned that I don't need to sit back and watch or wait for something to happen, I have to get up and go, I learned that I have to do something if I want something done, if I want something to change... So, I've been trying to change my outlook and its worked so far, no more waiting for something to go right near as much, and hopefully I will be more decisive in the future. I already have made the first step by deciding to come here, now I have to choose to get a job. It's not a matter of if I get a job but when now. For if I have no job within a couple months from now, it could be all over, my life could be at a standstill again.So, I will try to honor myself and my fiancee, I will try to get a job so I will no longer be a failure. I will have something to call my own other than a facebook page and a blog. I will get all of this done, otherwise I will spend every second planning to get back to her, that is a promise. I won't fail though... I can't fail... Because, it's just not an option.

I am sorry if I have been whiny or annoying on my blogs, but this is me letting things out. If you see something that you think you should confront me about, or talk about please do. I really do appreciate the feedback.

Simple Pieces Of Paper

It seems that paper and me don't get along very well and there doesn't seem to be much I can do about that. First I lost a binder, which most likely had my birth certificate inside of it along with several pieces of writing that are far less important than the certificate might I add. It seems now I have lost a card or two, not a playing card, oh how I wish, these cards certified me and my fiancee to work in the food industry. So, it seems like I might just have to scan every piece of paper I get into the computer from now on before I lose them. I no longer trust myself with important documents, so I am not sure what to do next time I get one... I guess scan it in and hope I don't lose the paper if the computer ever goes down.

Sorry for the small bit of ranting but its one of the only things I can do to let off the steam before continuing the search again. Wish me luck, till next post... Peace...

found the food service stuff and will now save them forever