How I feel

Still job searching, I am acting calm only because I don't know how else to act. If I freak out it won't solve anything and if I don't act quickly I'll be out on my ass, figuratively that is. So, the long and short of it is, on the inside I am breaking down, I am slowly slipping and don't know where to turn. I don't want to worry anyone and honestly am starting to think that maybe going in to a place that's hiring and begging on my hands and knees might not be such a bad idea. I look at my work history and its in the toilet, my one real paying job that lasted for any amount of time was working for my mother, on top of this the economy is thrashing any job I might have a chance at getting due to my lack of experience. I miss having something to call my own, something besides my emotions. All I have now is my writing, which isn't going well, video games, which aren't helping anything, and the people around me, who I am too scared to tell how I'm feeling.

I wish there was a service that called you for a job, I've heard of things like it but have not seen anything similar to it yet. My options at this point is to walk around town until I get hired, which I am in the process of doing, hope that someone near me has a way to help, or lay down and give up... I refuse to give up yet, even if I sound it out there, I can't give up... I don't know what will happen if I do... I am petrified, IM SCARED! I just don't know how to get a job but that hasn't stopped me from printing out applications or applying online, which I find half pointless because more than 80% of the time they tell you NOT to call. That makes sense right? Don't call us well call you, why did this even get started? I was told during all of my job searching that I need to bug them, I need to get them to notice me. If you lack experience and your not allowed to call what are your options at that point? Wait and hope?

None of this makes sense to me anymore, at least when I was looking for a job before I had someone nearby to vouch for me, to say that I could work there. Maybe that was just because it was a small town, maybe that's because the manager was my mom, and maybe its because I had no experience job searching at all. Who knows, all I know is I need to get my shit together and get gone to a job. Because if I don't I failed, and if I don't what am I good for...

Once again I am sorry for this long, drawn out, missed punctuation rant. I just had to get this out somewhere, and honestly I don't care who sees. I just can't hold all of this in anymore, I just can't. I haven't even been sleeping well, even when I do get to bed at a decent hour. I always wake up exhausted and than on top of that I've started to have nightmares about leaving. I-I'm sorry everyone, I just need a little support... I don't have a clue what life is like outside of my parents house and if I go back it's just going to get worse.

I have to...

I used to feel weak and helpless all the time, and the worst part is I used to use it as a strength... But that was a long time ago, I've learned so much more than I thought I knew than. I learned that I don't need to sit back and watch or wait for something to happen, I have to get up and go, I learned that I have to do something if I want something done, if I want something to change... So, I've been trying to change my outlook and its worked so far, no more waiting for something to go right near as much, and hopefully I will be more decisive in the future. I already have made the first step by deciding to come here, now I have to choose to get a job. It's not a matter of if I get a job but when now. For if I have no job within a couple months from now, it could be all over, my life could be at a standstill again.So, I will try to honor myself and my fiancee, I will try to get a job so I will no longer be a failure. I will have something to call my own other than a facebook page and a blog. I will get all of this done, otherwise I will spend every second planning to get back to her, that is a promise. I won't fail though... I can't fail... Because, it's just not an option.

I am sorry if I have been whiny or annoying on my blogs, but this is me letting things out. If you see something that you think you should confront me about, or talk about please do. I really do appreciate the feedback.

Posts (or lack there of)

Recently I've been noticing I haven't really posted anything anywhere. Not here, or my other blog, or even Facebook really. So here goes... I have still not found a job, but at the same time I am getting a better feeling about my stability and that I might be able to do my best in something soon. That and I am trying to volunteer at the con over here in Washington so I have something more recent to put on my resume. I do miss some of you guys back home but at the same time I don't feel like I am as stranded here. After I finally find a job I'll feel a whole lot better though, having my own money is always a plus after all. Anyway, me and Kat are good, seem to be doing better than ever lately and each day seems to make me more aware of how amazing she is. As for everything else... well there isn't much else to be completely honest, there's the relationship, my friends back east, my trying to make friends here, and the job search as always. If you guys want to know anything more specific just hit me up on Facebook and odds are if I'm not on just leave a message and I'll get back to you as soon as I get it.

Trapped (a poem in here)

Trapped and scared
Thinking of what id do
Wondering where id go
Worrying about how I'd live
Alone and still
Life more stagnant than ever
No transport and no jobs
No fiancee and no help
Parents that don't communicate
Siblings that only want to leave
Would I just add to those wanting to leave
Or would I accept it as normalcy
NO
I wouldn't live anymore
I wouldn't be me
I would change and I don't want to
I would crash into a wall of depression and hopelessness
I would cease to be
So what do I do now I ask myself
Sitting and thinking
Worrying and almost vomiting
How can I do something that seems impossible
Try I suppose
Beyond that I only have hope things will work out
Hope that I won't be alone again
Hope that I won't have to go back to that hole of a place
Hope that I will be able to do something with my life