How I feel

Still job searching, I am acting calm only because I don't know how else to act. If I freak out it won't solve anything and if I don't act quickly I'll be out on my ass, figuratively that is. So, the long and short of it is, on the inside I am breaking down, I am slowly slipping and don't know where to turn. I don't want to worry anyone and honestly am starting to think that maybe going in to a place that's hiring and begging on my hands and knees might not be such a bad idea. I look at my work history and its in the toilet, my one real paying job that lasted for any amount of time was working for my mother, on top of this the economy is thrashing any job I might have a chance at getting due to my lack of experience. I miss having something to call my own, something besides my emotions. All I have now is my writing, which isn't going well, video games, which aren't helping anything, and the people around me, who I am too scared to tell how I'm feeling.

I wish there was a service that called you for a job, I've heard of things like it but have not seen anything similar to it yet. My options at this point is to walk around town until I get hired, which I am in the process of doing, hope that someone near me has a way to help, or lay down and give up... I refuse to give up yet, even if I sound it out there, I can't give up... I don't know what will happen if I do... I am petrified, IM SCARED! I just don't know how to get a job but that hasn't stopped me from printing out applications or applying online, which I find half pointless because more than 80% of the time they tell you NOT to call. That makes sense right? Don't call us well call you, why did this even get started? I was told during all of my job searching that I need to bug them, I need to get them to notice me. If you lack experience and your not allowed to call what are your options at that point? Wait and hope?

None of this makes sense to me anymore, at least when I was looking for a job before I had someone nearby to vouch for me, to say that I could work there. Maybe that was just because it was a small town, maybe that's because the manager was my mom, and maybe its because I had no experience job searching at all. Who knows, all I know is I need to get my shit together and get gone to a job. Because if I don't I failed, and if I don't what am I good for...

Once again I am sorry for this long, drawn out, missed punctuation rant. I just had to get this out somewhere, and honestly I don't care who sees. I just can't hold all of this in anymore, I just can't. I haven't even been sleeping well, even when I do get to bed at a decent hour. I always wake up exhausted and than on top of that I've started to have nightmares about leaving. I-I'm sorry everyone, I just need a little support... I don't have a clue what life is like outside of my parents house and if I go back it's just going to get worse.

A few new things

So, lately things have not been going the greatest, however their is good news on the horizon. It turns out that a place fairly close to where I live is hiring and I may have a job opportunity there. With that on my mind, I've been able to think about writing again and I am thinking about starting up a new blog for my notes. I will most likely not post any chapters of any stories I happen to come up with until I am sure I want to pursue the story line that I have posted.

On a separate note, I can't believe I might have a job, and all because I felt like today was a good day to go to the store. They wrote my name down and told me that they would see if the deli was needing any help.

This was a short post but I'm trying to critique my writing style and find my own way to describe the worlds I see in my head.

I have to...

I used to feel weak and helpless all the time, and the worst part is I used to use it as a strength... But that was a long time ago, I've learned so much more than I thought I knew than. I learned that I don't need to sit back and watch or wait for something to happen, I have to get up and go, I learned that I have to do something if I want something done, if I want something to change... So, I've been trying to change my outlook and its worked so far, no more waiting for something to go right near as much, and hopefully I will be more decisive in the future. I already have made the first step by deciding to come here, now I have to choose to get a job. It's not a matter of if I get a job but when now. For if I have no job within a couple months from now, it could be all over, my life could be at a standstill again.So, I will try to honor myself and my fiancee, I will try to get a job so I will no longer be a failure. I will have something to call my own other than a facebook page and a blog. I will get all of this done, otherwise I will spend every second planning to get back to her, that is a promise. I won't fail though... I can't fail... Because, it's just not an option.

I am sorry if I have been whiny or annoying on my blogs, but this is me letting things out. If you see something that you think you should confront me about, or talk about please do. I really do appreciate the feedback.

Simple Pieces Of Paper

It seems that paper and me don't get along very well and there doesn't seem to be much I can do about that. First I lost a binder, which most likely had my birth certificate inside of it along with several pieces of writing that are far less important than the certificate might I add. It seems now I have lost a card or two, not a playing card, oh how I wish, these cards certified me and my fiancee to work in the food industry. So, it seems like I might just have to scan every piece of paper I get into the computer from now on before I lose them. I no longer trust myself with important documents, so I am not sure what to do next time I get one... I guess scan it in and hope I don't lose the paper if the computer ever goes down.

Sorry for the small bit of ranting but its one of the only things I can do to let off the steam before continuing the search again. Wish me luck, till next post... Peace...

found the food service stuff and will now save them forever

Poem: Guess What the Topic Is?

the wardens of souls all take the fines
the lion looks down on all he leads
a few missionaries stride the lands alone
finding supplies to push them along
some white feathers litter the land
scattered from quite a good hand
the lions underlings fly through the air
drinking elixirs of life with care
a few angels sit in a painting
with one just above never shaking
a few things stricken from existence
judgments are passed
starting small
than encompassing all
all of this fitting or so it would seem
in these plains of white sheen

Posts (or lack there of)

Recently I've been noticing I haven't really posted anything anywhere. Not here, or my other blog, or even Facebook really. So here goes... I have still not found a job, but at the same time I am getting a better feeling about my stability and that I might be able to do my best in something soon. That and I am trying to volunteer at the con over here in Washington so I have something more recent to put on my resume. I do miss some of you guys back home but at the same time I don't feel like I am as stranded here. After I finally find a job I'll feel a whole lot better though, having my own money is always a plus after all. Anyway, me and Kat are good, seem to be doing better than ever lately and each day seems to make me more aware of how amazing she is. As for everything else... well there isn't much else to be completely honest, there's the relationship, my friends back east, my trying to make friends here, and the job search as always. If you guys want to know anything more specific just hit me up on Facebook and odds are if I'm not on just leave a message and I'll get back to you as soon as I get it.

I am Native (notes)

  These are just some notes for something I've decided to write and I figured I would share them with you all. I may not talk about this stuff a lot but sometimes it does get into my head. I recently read an obituary, it was my great uncle, my grandfathers brother, and i knew him well. I already knew he passed but I didn't get to read the obituary until recently. He was a member of the tribal council and to honor him, I suppose that's why I decided to write. Anyway enough of my rambling, if you like it or want to know more just let me know.

 Ø      Talk about which tribe you are from:

o       Mashpee Wampanoag’s

o       How they met with some of the first settlers

o       Survive to this day

Ø      National day of mourning

o       Explain what it is and why it is important

Ø      Talk about the facts that few know today:

o       Lasted 3 days

o       53 pilgrims and 90 natives

o       There was more than just turkey; seafood (fish, eels, and shellfish) was a huge part of the first thanksgiving as was deer, wild fruit and veggies, bread and “Three Sisters” which was made of beans, dried Indian maize (corn), and squash.

o       Plymouth rock is not where the pilgrims first landed, they actually landed closer to what is now providence town (located at the other end of the state for those who don’t know)

Ø      National Day of Mourning

o       Organized since 1970 by American Indian tribes of New England always on the same day as thanksgiving

o       Un-thanksgiving day: a similar protest on the west coast

o       Many native people believe thanksgiving is a celebration of the slaughter and enslavement of their people

o       The protests are to bring awareness to people about the history of the natives pasts, and stand strong for many

§         “We will stop protesting when the merchants of Plymouth are no longer making millions of dollars off the blood of our slaughtered ancestors. We will stop protesting when we can act as sovereign nations on our own land without the interference of the Bureau of Indian Affairs and what Sitting Bull called the "favorite ration chiefs". When corporations stop polluting our mother, the earth. When racism has been eradicated. When the oppression of Two-Spirited people is a thing of the past. We will stop protesting when homeless people have homes and no child goes to bed hungry. When police brutality no longer exists in communities of color.

In honor of Francis S. Sanford